Do Narcissists Play Games with Your Feelings?
Yes they do, but in my opinion this is not as sadistic or malicious as some people claim. It is instead usually a scapegoat mechanism which works something like this ...
If a person with NPD or narcissistic tendencies feels they are in danger of having some wrongdoing of theirs exposed, they may work very hard to provoke the person accusing them, to then blame the wrong doing on their accuser being such an angry person. In this way narcissistic individuals tend to be very good at provoking others to rage while they themselves stay cool and aloof. In a similar way they may keep their partner emotionally distraught, again as a means to scapegoat their own wrong doings. An example of this might be a husband who aggravates and undermines his wife constantly so he can blame the affair he is having on her weakness and irritability. These are just examples and there are many ways that this scape goating may occur. It is for this reason that the narcissist will keep their partner weak and appearing ‘faulty’, so they can all the more easily blame their shortcomings on them.
On the other hand co-dependent behaviour, often displayed by partners of narcissists can be more directly emotionally manipulative. While the narcissist will play with a person’s emotions in an attempt to shift blame, with little or no concern for being unfair, or for the feelings of the person they are scape goating, a co-dependent will directly try to control their partner and their feelings with emotional games. Examples of this are punishing or staying mad to ‘teach them a lesson’, or being overly needy and upset. These are used as attempts to elicit love and caring from their partner, as is the even uglier game of emotional blackmail. This is where a person threatens suicide or some other impending danger or blame (“It is your fault that I feel this bad, so you owe me now”) in an attempt to ‘squeeze’ more love and affection from their partner or the people around them than they really feel like giving. The problem with all of these ‘games’ is that they tend to breed anger and resentment more than love, and because the narcissistic partner most probably grew up with emotionally manipulative parents, they will likely have become very hardened to this type of attempt to ‘coerce’ them into loving or caring for someone more than they really do and will be suspicious, resentful and hardened to emotional neediness in general. Emotional blackmail in particular may even cause rage and despair.
So the narcissistic partner is angry at feeling manipulated (sometimes whether they are being manipulated or not) and uses this anger to justify their poor treatment of their partner and this same poor treatment makes the person with co-dependent tendencies squeeze them even harder for love and attention (which in turn will make the narcissist even angrier). The anger of the person in narcissistic defence will either be expressed directly as insults and /or put downs (or intimidation, violence or neglect) or covertly as when they provoke a fight while staying cool and aloof.
Our recommended solution to each of these problems follows in order;
a. Hold the narcissistic person responsible for their wrong doings without anger. We offer a lot of advice on how to do this in our ebooks. If you do get angry, take time out and cool down as fast as possible and for at least two days before you decide on what action to take, but then do take action. Only anxious people who do not have the courage to talk to others calmly and do not have the respect of their peers get scape goated, so work on these points. Don’t isolate yourself and think about presenting yourself as someone who others will respect. If you are narcissistic you will find help with the last exercise in our workbook and with our NPD audio.
b. Learn to ‘self soothe’ and take care of your own emotions and anxieties. Learn better skills at how to build rapport and attract love and respect without being emotionally manipulative. If you think you may be guilty of this, look at it and think hard about how it makes the people around you feel. If your partner is emotionally manipulative you can explain how this makes you feel (resentful and not loving) and kindly let them know that them having their own goals in life and taking responsibility for their own happiness is what will make you love them more.
•Relationship Advice - From Kim and Steve Cooper
•Narcissism Cured - Kim and Steve’s Story
•Beyond Narcissism - Steve’s Site for the Narcissist
•Narcissism - Kim’s Treatise
•Anger Management - a True Story
•Narcissism Advice for Ministers & Clergy, Police Officers, Doctors, Family Members & Friends
•More on Narcissism
