According to Anthony M. Benis, Sc.D., M.D., Narcissism in psychology first described a tendency in humans to choose sexual partners that look like themselves. He expanded on the work of Karen Horney on NPA personality theory (narcissism, Perfectionism and aggression) in his definition of personality traits below.
Quoting A.M. Benis, narcissistic traits are as follows;
“Narcissism (N): ... The stereotypic acts associated with the trait include self-flaunting body posturing, expansive arm gestures, bowing, instinctive self-adornment, and a natural attraction to the limelight of personal recognition. Individuals having only this trait (of the three) are competitive but non-aggressive in their strivings for recognition. The trait corresponds to a striving for glory in one's environment, hence it is the second main component of human ambition. In a pejorative connotation, the unbridled trait of narcissism may reveal itself in the context of conceit, exhibitionism, vanity or messianism. An associated facial expression includes the radiant gingival smile (broadly exposing gums and teeth). The facial complexion tends toward blood-red or ruddy. Hallmarks of the trait include blushing, flushing, and a second type of mass discharge of the autonomic (parasympathetic) nervous system: the narcissistic rage of defence and withdrawal. During expression of this rage the normally sanguine complexion becomes even more florid.”
In plain English the last part means that there will be some tantrums and sparks when this person is not noticed or treated as someone special, but they will usually retreat after becoming enraged. This description gives us a clear picture of the stereotypical ‘prima donna’ or ‘star’ and these qualities above are not unhealthy, quiet the opposite narcissism is a basic instinct in most humans.
However the popular meaning of the word Narcissism is quiet different to this description above. This is because the popular meaning now describes Narcissistic Personality Disorder and not narcissism. Most people talking about narcissism or a narcissist are actually describing someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder or NPD. The Wikipedia description of this disorder states ...
“Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is a personality disorder defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the diagnostic classification system used in the United States, as "a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy." [1]
The narcissist is described as turning inward for gratification rather than depending on others and as being excessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power and prestige.[2] Narcissistic Personality Disorder is closely linked to self-centredness.”
Research conducted by Anthony M. Benis, Sc.D., M.D., shows that people diagnosed with NPD tend to rate high in their scores for Narcissism and Aggression while scoring low for Perfectionism.
With this the more common usage of the term narcissism, used to describe this personality type, starts to become more clear. My own interpretation of the NPD type follows ...
Narcissism (describing NPD traits):
Individuals with this pattern of tendencies are first and foremost two-faced; the subject being charming and competitive in public while critical, rude, arrogant, sarcastic and aggressive in private; usually to the people who are closest to them and who give them the most love and care.
This person will pretend to operate from high standards, but in reality will be low in perfectionism, resulting in them being flakey, hypocritical or even an outright phoney or fake. They will not follow through on promises and will spend most of their energy and time seeking people who will adore them or who they can vent their aggression on, either directly or else by gossiping nastily about others. Sexually they may be the “date rape” form of sexual predator or they may routinely seduce others only to feign disinterest at the last moment because they consider themselves “above all that” and in this way (in their own mind) prove themselves better than the person they have seduced. This may of course be a cover for severe performance anxiety. Whether sex is consummated or not there is often a pattern of seducing and abandoning lovers, friends or people they can attract as their ‘fans’. Their lack of empathy and self interest, mixed with a particular cunning charm and ability to manipulate others makes them highly abusive to live with. They will think nothing of exploiting their partner financially, sexually or otherwise while blaming their own weaknesses and shortcomings on them; while at the same time hindering any attempt their partner may make to regain their sense of strength or self worth and get on their feet, get on with their own life, or get away. Narcissism (or more accurately NPD) is a disorder and not a disease. There is no blood test for narcissism and three different professionals may diagnose the same person in three different ways. The description is useful in the same way that the concept of shyness is useful; describing a familiar pattern of behaviour in an individual.
Most importantly a Narcissist is a human being acting in a particular way and should not be treated like a monster or worse as an ‘it’ rather than a person. As unfair and damaging as a relationship with this type of character can be, we believe that it is more useful (and healthy) to use straightforward descriptive words about the bad behaviour, rather than relying on this term generally to describe a person. It would be more correct and useful in most situations for instance to say “My partner Sally lied to me” rather than “my N lied to me”.
As common as the suggestion is that you must run or “get away” from this type of person, we believe it is important for family members of someone with this disorder to learn to stand up for themselves and hold their ground. This response can be highly beneficial for the Narcissistic person as well.
