What Should You do if You are Married to a Narcissist

and You Want to Save Your Marriage?

This advice is the same as my answer to “How to deal with a narcissist” ...

  •Don’t let your happiness be ruled by their bad behaviour. Have your own goals and focus your life on something other than your relationship with them, if they behave badly to hurt you, try and see their behaviour as that of a child who is misbehaving and trying to throw their weight around. Rise above it and don’t let them push your buttons. You can show you are disappointed in them, but don’t let them control your happiness. Get on with your life and your own goals and responsibilities. This might involve you learning self soothing skills and you working on your own emotional intelligence (This will also make you more attractive). Stop punishing them for their wrong doings (but do follow point 3).

•If you want to leave, get the advice in my eBook “Back from the Looking Glass” and make a plan and do it. Otherwise if you don’t want to leave then do not threaten this as a way to try and change their behaviour. This will only make them insecure and will worsen their behaviour.

•Do not protect them from the consequences of their own behaviour. If they hit you, tell the police and have them charged. Don’t worry about you being fined or them being angry that you turned them in. It is their behaviour and they need to face the consequences of it. This should be the same in all areas of their life. You do not help them by protecting them from these natural consequences.

•Greet them warmly using there name like you are pleased to see them when you meet and let them know that you like having them around and that they don’t need to do anything to impress you.

•When you feel connected say if they do want to impress you they could --- and then give them a small challenge that is very doable. Don’t ask them to stop being selfish for instance (a very tough challenge to succeed at) instead you might say, “I know you speak well, but let’s see how good you can get at taking turns in conversation?” These small challenges should be just that, a challenge and not you telling them they are bad and need to change. Give praise for them succeeding with these challenges and keep them coming as they accomplish them.

•Don’t buy in to talk about them being better in the future. Say “I don’t want to hear about the future” only what you do in the present counts with me from now on.”

•Get your money separated from them. You shouldn’t wait till you want a divorce to do this. It will actually help save your marriage (while putting you in a better position in case you do want to leave).

         Our ebooks contain more steps and detailed information and exercises on all of this! We have been through it and are here to help.

           Kim Cooper